


i felt you in my legs (before i ever met you)

by androids_fighting93



Series: never let me go [3]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: A little, Anxiety, Drinking, First Kiss, First Meeting, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, New Relationship, Nightmares, Prequel, a mixed bag of angst and fluff, inadvisable potion use, pre-Taagnitz, taako is kind of a jerk but i love him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-29
Updated: 2017-10-29
Packaged: 2019-01-25 22:37:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12542784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/androids_fighting93/pseuds/androids_fighting93
Summary: And when I lay beside youFor the first time I told youI feel you in my heart and I don't even know youAnd now we're saying bye, bye, bye- Tegan and Sara, "Nineteen"-Falling in love the second time is so much harder.





	i felt you in my legs (before i ever met you)

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be short, if you can believe it...
> 
> This is a direct precursor to the first fic in this series, and is pretty directly informed by it - you can probably read it alone if you want but I'd love it if you read the whole series, if Taagnitz is your jam! This is set before Crystal Kingdom so they have not met Kravitz yet, so this one is Taagnus-centric but leading up to the events of "strong enough to break your fall" where Kravitz is introduced into the mix.
> 
> **Quick warning!** There are some implications that Taako has been in some non-consensual sexual/romantic situations in the past, but it's left very vague. I don't describe anything and didn't have any particular situations in mind - just that Taako has had a very hard life and that has affected his present relationships and his mental health especially before he gets his memories of the Stolen Century back. We also have characters kissing while drunk but not going beyond that. If that's not okay for you I totally understand. 
> 
> Finally, thank you to the Fuck Dome crew for being so inspiring with your fic and art and positivity!! Y'all make me want to write more so I can share it with you!

**Now.**

Taako finishes dishing up the stew into the metal bowls, passing them to Merle and Magnus before taking his own and sitting down by the fire. It’s pretty simple, boring if he’s being honest, he doesn’t have much in the way of spices to work with, but it was what he could whip up fast with what he had, without transmuting any ingredients. It was tempting, magic tickling at his fingertips as he chopped up potatoes and onions. He tastes the soup and _knows_ he could make it better, could make it fucking fantastic if he tried. But he hasn’t been able to transmute properly since Glamour Springs, doesn’t even dare to try. Even as he watches Magnus practically inhale his completely mundane food he tenses, staring him down and waiting for him to drop to the ground. He doesn’t, of course, because the food is fine. He shakes his head and looks away, makes himself eat the tasteless soup, he wouldn't have even put in the effort if he didn't have other mouths to feed. Never has been good at cooking for one, the last few days most of his meals were beef jerky and stale bread, maybe a stolen apple if he was lucky.

“It’s really good, Taako,” Magnus says, mouth still half-full but beaming at him from across the fire, like this is the best damn thing he’s ever tasted. Anything is good when you’ve been fighting gerblins all day, Taako supposes. They had stopped traveling as it drew toward evening -- they weren’t far from Wave Echo Cave, according to the map, but they would all need a long rest to be ready for whatever this Black Spider had waiting for them. “Thanks for cooking!”

“Could use a little pepper,” Merle says.

“Watch it, short stuff. Feeding you dumbasses ain’t in my contract. Ch’boy’s doing this out of the goodness of his heart.”

“I don’t think we actually signed anything.”

“Then be grateful I’m gracing you with my presence at all.” Taako jabs at him threateningly with his spoon. In truth, there’s a small part of him, a part learned from his life cooking for adventurers just like these two, that hopes this mediocre soup is enough to make them want to keep him around, at least until they’re done with this job. Let them think he’s dumb -- as long as they think he’s useful. Gods, he’ll be so glad when he gets his cut of the pay from this job and can get the hell out of here. If it’s as good as Rockseeker made it sound he’ll be able to start over, get his old life back together.

As night falls and Magnus and Merle start rolling out their bedrolls, Taako gets the dishes cleaned and stowed away, not bothering to try and rest just yet despite his bone-deep exhaustion. He’s been dreading this part of the night since they decided to make camp here, the anxiety that has been his unwanted companion almost every night for years. Merle is snoring away in seconds, but Magnus stays sitting up. His eyes are on Taako, he can feel it even if he isn’t looking back, and Taako’s hackles are raised. They haven’t been anything but good companions so far in their little adventure but Taako has only gotten as far as he has in life with a healthy distrust of pretty much everyone. Dwarves are alright, as far as they go, but he’s always a little wary around humans. Human men, especially. His aunt always said to stay away from them. Granted, he’s never been great at following her advice.

“It’s getting kind of late,” Magnus says after a while. Taako finally glances his way. He’d expected… now he’s not sure, just some hint that Magnus wants anything from him, but there’s nothing in his expression but a mild curiosity. It’s not that Magnus has actually _done_ anything that should make Taako see him as a threat, he’s a likeable enough guy, he’s already taken plenty of hits for Taako’s sake. But people always want something. “You gonna try to get some sleep? Oh -- right, elves don’t actually need to do that, do you? You do that meditation thing?”

Taako raises his eyebrows. “Yeah. Most humans don’t know that.”

Magnus grins, his green eyes twinkling a little in the firelight. “I’m smarter than I look,” he says -- not in common, like they had all been speaking, but in elvish, a little slower than a native speaker, a little clumsier, but elvish nonetheless.

That startles a laugh out of Taako despite himself. It’s been awhile since he’s heard elvish, longer since he heard that particular accent -- that is to say, never except maybe from his own family, and even then it’s hard to remember what they sounded like. Most people comment on his odd dialect on the rare occasion he actually gets to speak his own language, ask him where he’s from, and it’s never an easy question because he isn’t exactly from anywhere, couldn’t even tell you where he was born. “Where’d you learn?” He says, slipping into elvish like putting on an old favorite sweater.

“I… I must have learned it in school.”

“You’re fluent in elvish after a couple high school classes?” Fluent in a dialect Taako has never heard except from his own mouth, and that’s more than a little weird, but he doesn’t know where Magnus is from, maybe the elves there do talk like that.

“I guess?” Magnus squirms, seeming oddly distressed, so Taako drops the issue.

“Well dip, now I can’t say mean things about Merle without you tattling on me.”

Magnus winks. “I can play dumb.”

Taako shakes his head, can’t help but grin a little. “Well aren’t you just full of surprises?”

“So, what, you just a night owl, or do you think we need someone to keep watch? Cause I don’t mind doing it, if you’re tired.” He slips back into common now, and so does Taako.

“Sure. We’ll go with night owl.”

Magnus raises his eyebrows, a wordless question, one that Taako doesn’t plan on answering except it makes him squirm. And that’s weird in and of itself, that he even wants to tell Magnus this. “I just have nightmares and stuff. It’s whatevs.” Night _terrors_ , more accurately. They’re always worse when he’s stressed, and this job has been nothing but stressful, he can feel them coming on like a specter lurking over his shoulder.

“Oh man. I feel you there. What about?”

“Mm-mm. That’s at least a level five tragic backstory, my man.”

The truth is they aren’t about anything in particular he could describe even if it was anyone else’s business. It’s all oily darkness and the feeling of being utterly alone. He tends to wake up screaming, or flailing about, never could sleep in a bunk bed without falling out. Sounds stupid when he’s awake, but horrifying in the night. And those aren’t even the worst dreams.

“What level am I at?” Magnus asks, almost playfully, leaning forward.

“One at _most._ ”

“Fair enough.” Magnus goes silent for a little bit, and Taako busies himself with laying out his sleeping bag, so it will be ready for him when he can’t fight the need to rest any longer. It’ll just be meditation tonight, he thinks; he loves to sleep when he can but not surrounded by people he doesn’t know yet. Four hours minimum of meditation to get all of his spell slots back, surely he can manage that without making a fool of himself, without making them think he’s too pathetic to be a useful member of this party. Can’t risk that shit. Not when he still needs them to have his back. “I do too, sometimes. Get nightmares, I mean.”

“Okay.”

“Just, y’know. I get it.”

“Sure,” Taako says, just because he can’t very well say _I don’t care,_ or _you don’t know me so don’t you dare say you get it._

“It used to really help me to have someone to sleep next to. Never seemed to get nightmares so bad if there was someone with me.” He pauses and shrugs, looking over at Taako sheepishly. “People always say I’m a good cuddler.”

Taako laughs, sharp and too loud, making Merle stir and mumble something in his sleep before rolling over to face away from them. The silence after is tense, not because Magnus looks embarrassed but because he still looks totally sincere, open and inviting and Taako, warily eyeing him, can’t figure out what must be going on in his head right now, what kind of threat or lack thereof he’s dealing with. Is he going to cop a feel? Like, _surely_ this guy is straight, maybe he’s just into the idea of getting with an elf. Taako has run into too many creeps who wanted him just because he was _exotic_ or some shit to rule it out. But Magnus doesn’t push the issue, doesn’t even keep looking at Taako, just goes to put another log on the fire, so Taako slowly lets himself relax by fractions.

“Yeah, hard pass,” Taako says. The weird thing is, he feels almost disappointed by his own answer. He chalks it up to Magnus being relatively attractive, as far as humans go, muscles big and toned by battle, smile crooked and kind. He _does_ find himself liking the guy, despite himself -- he’s just so adorably genuine, and it’s been a long time since there was anyone to warm Taako’s bed. It's not like Taako’s a prude, he hooks up plenty (sometimes it means the difference between a warm bed and sleeping on the street -- you do what you have to) but last time he’d gotten a room in an inn with a guy he’d woken up the next morning in a cold bed and the guy had stolen his coin purse _and_ his shoes, which, that’s just trashy, honestly. He goes on, “I mean, you’re cute and all, but Taako has a veeery specific type.”

That being guys who are no good for him, primarily. Sazed comes to mind unbidden but he shoves that thought away, it has no place here and now.

“I’m not trying to be weird or anything,” Magnus assures him, looking -- maybe disappointed, maybe just worried, Taako can’t quite say. “I just thought it might help. We don’t know what we’ll be dealing with tomorrow, might as well be as well rested as we can get, right?”

“Don’t worry your pretty little head about ol’ Taako.” He gives what he hopes is a placating smile as he wriggles into his sleeping bag. “I hear humans haven’t evolved beyond the need for sleep yet, so get to it.”

“Alright. Just remember we’re both right here, ok? You’re safe.”

“My subconscious appreciates it.” Taako rolls his eyes, but Magnus just gives him a warm smile, like he wasn’t teasing. Maybe he actually wasn’t. Taako isn’t sure what to do with that, so he rolls over to face away from the campfire, closing his eyes.

The trance doesn’t come, unsurprisingly. As the forest they’re camped in gets yet darker and the silence of the night is broken by chirping insects, Taako lays wide awake with his eyes screwed shut, willing his overactive mind to just shut up. He’s used to the frustration but that never makes it better. Everything that scares him coming unbidden to his mind, darkness and endless expanses where he’s totally alone in the world. And though he tries his best to ignore it, to push it away, there is always the town of Glamour Springs. Forty faces he would have forgotten if not for what he did, and he can remember them all now, the women and children choking on vomit and blood and it was because of him. Half in a trance and half out now the chicken that the townspeople actually ate has transformed into the soup he just fed his friends, and it still kills them, everything he touches could be poison and how would he know -

Muttering a curse, Taako sits up, rubbing his tired eyes. The visions are gone when he looks into the fire, only tormenting him when he tries to rest like some kind of curse, like it’s his penance for what he’s done. Already he’s spiraling into his anxiety, unable to bring himself out of it and he _really_ needs to rest, it’s absurd that he can’t just _do_ this.

Unbidden, his eyes drift over to Magnus, snoring lightly, his face smooth and relaxed. He looks younger, right now, though Taako isn’t sure how old he is. Thirties? Human aging is so _weird,_ when he was that age he was still a kid, he’s never gotten how they can move so fast. If Magnus were born at the same time as Taako he’d be an old man by the time Taako had become an adult. It’s always a weird thing to think about, especially since Taako doesn’t spend a whole lot of time with other elves.

He sighs and tries to lay down again, but he stares up at the stars instead of closing his eyes. _Just meditate, you wimp. Just do it. Think about anything but Glamour Springs --_ and of course, there it is again, and Taako groans out loud. Five and a half years now and it’s still all he thinks about. He still looks over his shoulder expecting it to catch up with him, keeps his head down, hopes that he’s faded to obscurity even as he misses the spotlight, the knowledge that even if he was utterly alone in this world there were people in every city in Faerun who _loved_ him if only for his cooking. Five and a half years without a decent night’s rest. The promise of it calls to him.

“Fuck it,” he mumbles and stands up, dragging his bedding across the campsite and laying it down next to Magnus’s.

“Whuh?” Magnus blinks awake, staring up at Taako blearily as he settles back into the sleeping bag. Even though they’re separated by the bedding Taako can feel the warmth radiating from Magnus like some kind of human furnace. He resists the urge to press closer against it, to seek out that warmth, it’s oddly comforting, oddly familiar. Magnus is smiling at him and Taako can’t quite handle it. He’s struck by how small he is next to the fighter, all skin and bones compared to Magnus’s bulk, muscled arms and a big soft belly that Taako could just burrow into and where the hell did _that_ thought come from, he shakes his head and rolls onto his side.

“Hands stay above the waist, mister,” Taako warns, closing his eyes. “Mess up my hair and you’re dead.”

The warning is genuine, but Taako isn’t as worried about it as he probably should be. He’s small but he isn’t _weak,_ not anymore, it’s been a long time since he let anyone touch him in any way he didn’t explicitly want, he has magic in his veins and can feel power inside him that he hasn’t even learned to harness to it’s full potential yet. Beyond that, though, being so close to Magnus feels… safe. He doesn’t let his guard down, exactly, but he finds himself relaxing into the warmth of him, eyes wanting to close.

“No problem,” Magnus says, laughter tinging his voice. He moves a little closer, but doesn’t make a move to put his arms around Taako or anything like that. He’s just _there,_ soft and unthreatening and not asking for anything from Taako, just giving. Taako closes his eyes and focuses on that warmth and the steady rise and fall of Magnus’s breath, just soothing and repetitive enough to keep Taako’s mind from latching onto that spiral of bad thoughts. “G’night, Taako.”

He only ever intends to meditate for a little while. Get his four to six hours, wake up before daylight and prepare his spells for the day before getting breakfast started so they can get moving as soon as possible once Magnus and Merle wake up. Instead he wakes up to the early morning sun on his face and groans, ducking under the covers to hide his eyes from it, pressing backwards into the warmth at his back. There’s a heavy arm draped over his waist and legs tucked behind his and still half-asleep Taako doesn’t think anything of burrowing into it, loose and content. He’d _slept_ without even realizing it, without dreaming at all, and he’s pretty sure he’s never felt so well rested, like he’s on a feather mattress instead of the dew-wet ground.

Magnus’s breath tickles the hairs on the back of his neck, and Taako shivers as he remembers where he is. He knows he could easily move, that he isn’t trapped here. He doesn’t want to. In his sleep-dulled mind it’s simple, he feels so safe here, safe like he’s home, though he’s not sure how he’d know what that feels like. It just feels right to be pressed against another body like this, sleeping under the open air.

A few feet away Merle stirs, not quite awake but beginning to be. Suddenly and terribly aware of what they’re doing Taako finally wriggles out of Magnus’s arms. Magnus mumbles something and rolls over, sleeping on, and Taako lets out a shaky breath. He doesn’t want to deal with awkward questions from Merle, questions he can’t answer, or any _assumptions_ he might come to about what they were doing when it was nothing more than the best fucking sleep of his life -- the knots in his shoulders loosened and his mind alert. He looks down at Magnus for a long moment, at the bright shock of red hair that makes up his beard and the way his mouth hangs open slightly as he sleeps, soft and vulnerable. Taako shakes his head. He’d meant to be up hours ago, and the morning air is chilly after the all-encompassing warmth. He banishes thoughts of Magnus to the back of his mind and goes to start on breakfast.

* * *

**Cycle 0.**

A lifetime ago, Magnus Burnsides adjusts his brand new red jacket, the logo of the Institute of Planar Research and Exploration proudly emblazoned on the lapel, as he walks into the grand hall that serves as the venue for this mixer. He is twenty years old, recently graduated, and life has quickly become a whirlwind, he’s just along for the ride. Today he’ll meet the rest of the crew that he’ll be working with on this four-month mission through the planar system, a concept that still stuns him, that they’ve made such huge leaps in technological achievement in the single year since the Light of Creation fell.

First comes the mixer, where the small crew of seven mingles with the directors of the program and other members of the various departments of the I.P.R.E., everyone who has their hands in this project. Later they’ll be giving a press conference. Tomorrow they board the inaptly named Starblaster, which Magnus was disappointed to learn won’t be blasting _anything_ let alone stars. Magnus is vibrating with excitement, a small-town kid like him, who would have thought he’d ever get to work for an organization like the I.P.R.E., let alone be chosen for a mission this huge?

He shakes hands with more people than he can count, answers the same questions about his job and his education about a million times before he finally makes it over to the snack table. So far from the crew he’s met Captain Davenport, of course, and the biographer -- Lucretia, he thinks, though she was so quiet when they met that he wasn’t sure he’d caught her name. Loitering at the _other_ end of the snack table, holding glasses of wine full to the brim, are two elves who he’d noticed as soon as he walked in (couldn’t _help_ but notice, they draw every eye but don’t even seem to acknowledge everyone looking) but hadn’t gotten a chance to talk to yet.

He knows they’re on the mission because they’re wearing the uniform, except somehow they managed to get both the company-issued robes _and_ jacket and are wearing the jacket over top of the robes, which shouldn’t look good but somehow they rock it. Magnus, loading a paper plate with finger sandwiches and cookies, looks at the two of them curiously -- they must be twins because their faces are practically identical, both with bronze skin dusted with freckles and thick, wavy blonde hair, though one has shorter hair that’s shaved on the side, piercings lining her long ears, and dark red lips while and the other wears his (?) hair in a long thick braid, a floppy, wide brimmed hat perched on top of his head. He’s covered in jewelry, too, arms lined in gaudy fake-gold bangles that clink together with every movement. All elves are beautiful in that strange otherworldly way but these two are something else, not that Magnus has a lot to compare them too, he hasn’t met many elves. They’re shoulder-to-shoulder and giggling with their heads close, ignoring the rest of the party. The one with the long hair has a nametag that reads “Taako (As Seen on TV!)”, the other “Lup,” and Magnus has to hide his laughter as they sneakily switch their tags. They’re two of the arcanists on this mission, he remembers -- he’d read about everyone’s work once he got the job, and he doesn’t exactly understand what they’re researching, but his job is just to keep them safe, so he doesn’t need to understand it.

He realizes after a moment that the twins are speaking to each other in Elvish, not bothering to keep their voices down, and making fun of pretty much everyone at this party, their captain included. One of the twins -- Taako -- nods his head in the direction of the last member of the crew, a short human man wearing glasses and blue jeans, who’s chatting with one of the engineers who apparently helped design the bond engine that powers the Starblaster. His nametag reads “Barry” and Magnus is pretty sure he’s supposed to be some kind of genius -- he isn’t what Magnus expected but he still doesn’t doubt it, they’re all here because they’re the best of the best.

“Nerd alert, check _this_ guy out,” Taako snickers, his voice lilting and musical and rapid, almost too quick to understand if Magnus hadn’t just graduated with a minor in Elvish just a few months before interviewing for the Starblaster mission. It was kind of an accident, he just ended up with a ton of credit hours, but he loves the language, loves the rare occasions he gets to speak it. No one ever expects to hear something as elegant as Elvish from a human who has a black eye more often than not.

Eager to put the skill to use outside of the classroom, he starts listening in, moving a little further down the table as he does so to snatch up more snacks. They’re all so tiny he has to grab handfuls of them to fill up a plate and a waiter nearby is giving him a dirty look, so he starts putting some back and the waiter glares even harder, so he doesn’t even know _what_ to do. He’s a rustic kind of guy, fancy parties might as well be a whole other plane to him.

Beside Taako, Lup laughs too, though her eyes linger on Barry for a moment too long. “Oh, he works in the lab next door to mine. Gotta admit, it takes balls to wear _those_ jeans at a work event.”

“Lup, you’re my sister and I love you but that is the most boring man I’ve ever seen in my _life._ Like, I’m looking at his face right now and I already forgot it.”

“He’s not that bad!” She nudges him, nearly making him spill his wine, but he just quickly takes a gulp to keep the glass from sloshing. Then all at once, moving in sync, they both look over at Magnus, mischief glittering in their eyes. Lup smirks and, still in Elvish, says, “I know you’re checking out this beefcake, though.”

Magnus chokes on a sandwich, coughing too loudly. Holy shit, they think he can't understand every word they're saying, and maybe he should be offended that they’re talking behind his back with such blatant disregard but instead it’s just hilarious.

Taako laughs, possibly at Lup or possibly at Magnus's inability to eat a tiny sandwich, and sips his wine. “Please, what do you take me for?”

“A slut?”

“True,” but he’s still grinning, so she clearly didn’t offend him. He gives Magnus a slow, lingering once-over, sneering, and then looks away, seemingly bored. It leaves Magnus flushed in a way he doesn't expect, doesn't really have the words to explain to himself yet. “Wonder what they’re dragging him along for. Thought this whole crew was a bunch of nerdy arcanists.” The way he says it is almost derisive.

“ _You’re_ an arcanist, you dingus. Must be the security guy.”

“That tracks. Who needs brains when you’ve got arms like _that_.”

Magnus, with a plate piled high with food, makes his way over to the end of the table where the twins are loitering. They raise their eyebrows at him in perfect unison as he extends a hand to shake theirs. Lup is the only one who takes it. In flawless Elvish, he smiles at them and says, “Hi, guys. Magnus Burnsides, head of security. It’s so great to meet you, I’ve heard all about your work. How cool is this place?”

The color drains from both of their faces as they blink up at him, momentarily stunned. Then Lup doubles over laughing, loud enough to draw attention from the other people around them, passing her almost empty wine glass to Taako before she spills it. He drinks the last of it in one swallow, watching Magnus over the rim of the glass.

“Holy shit, I like you,” Lup cackles, wiping tears from her eyes, and Magnus can already tell they’ll be friends but his eyes are on Taako. Taako who’s blushing now, but still has that almost haughty smirk as he looks at Magnus. His gaze is weirdly intense until finally he shakes Magnus’s hand.

“Power move, mmkay, I get you. Watch yourself, Sideburns,” he warns, but his tone still playful and his handshake firm and confident even if his hand is tiny in Magnus’s. He winks, and it makes Magnus all flustered again. “I’m the one cooking your meals the next four months. Also, transmutation prodigy, but you knew that.”

“It’s Burnsides. And I’m looking forward to it,” Magnus says, still in Elvish.

“Oh, that wasn’t a goof my man, I was commenting on that carpet on your face. I have no idea what your name is.”

“It’s… on my nametag…”

“He’s just being a dick,” Lup rolls her eyes and throws an arm over her brother’s shoulder. “Good to meet you, Magnus.”

Before they can talk any more an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, telling them the press conference is about to start. As they file out, Magnus is buzzing with nervous energy, but mostly he’s just excited to start this adventure.

They can’t begin to predict everything still to come. 

* * *

 

**Now.**

It’s been a few weeks since their initiation into the Bureau of Balance, and Taako is antsy.

Turns out there’s only so much for a Reclaimer to do, while the Seekers are out looking for signs of the Grand Relics. The Director has them on a training regiment with Killian and Avi and some other people who Taako hasn’t bothered to learn the names of, which he skips as often as he can get away with. He’s never made a melee attack in his _life_ and he’s not about to start now, can’t for a while with his injury from the initiation test. He sneaks around the moon base and finds more locked doors than open ones, more secrets than answers, truth be told he doesn’t trust the Director as far as he can throw her but at the same time, she’s the one putting gold in his pocket, so he can’t complain too much. He’s already had a write-up from HR for harassing the cafeteria staff, but it’s not his fault they don’t know asparagus from celery.

Mostly he feels… not quite stuck, but something like that. Claustrophobic, maybe. When was the last time he stayed in one place for more than a couple of weeks, the last time he had his own bed, his own _room,_ even if it’s one he has to share with three idiots? Seeing the same people, day after day, getting to know them and realizing he won’t just be taking off soon, never to see them again (the paycheck is too good and now that he remembers the Relic wars, it’s admittedly hard to want to just abandon this cause.) He doesn’t want to run, exactly, but it’s impossible to turn off those instincts, he’s never stayed anywhere long and he has no idea how long collecting these relics will take.

And then there’s Magnus and Merle, who Taako hadn’t expected to keep working with (last job they’d ever need to take his _ass._ )That’s a whole… thing. Getting to know them, spending most of their time together in the tiniest dorm room known to man. There’s a certain bond that comes with nearly getting killed together multiple times in forty-eight hours. A certain level of trust Taako isn’t used to having with anyone. Magnus in particular has defied his expectations of a beefy, rowdy human fighter. He is absolutely all of those things, but he’s also _kind_ , and that’s depressingly surprising. Taako has no desire to run from him, to shy away from knowing him better, and he hasn’t felt that in a long time.

He’d woke up from his trance in the middle of the night not long ago, instinctively suffocating himself in his pillow to hide the sounds of his crying, to muffle any screams. The darkness again, swallowing everything he knew. He didn’t want anyone to know he was crying. Didn’t want to see the looks on their faces in the morning, their _pity._ But then he felt his bed dipping under someone else’s weight and Magnus’s voice, whispering in the dark. “Taako? Can I touch you?”

He’d held his breath for a long moment before nodding, though he didn’t know what Magnus wanted, his whole body tensed and waiting. They hadn’t ever talked about that night by the fire. He jumped as he felt Magnus’s hand on his back, rubbing small, gentle circles between his shoulderblades, and Taako’s whole body ached to press into the touch. “You’re okay,” Magnus had whispered, quiet to keep from waking Merle and Robbie, like a mother soothing her child. “It’s not real. You’re in your bed and you’re okay.”

Slowly Taako began to breathe evenly again, began to relax. He felt stupid for finding such comfort in Magnus’s words, but there it was regardless. Taako fell back into a trance from the rhythm of Magnus’s hand on his back. When he woke up the next morning the fighter was back in his own bed. They didn’t talk about it.

And then it happened again.

The third time, in an awful and terrifying moment of vulnerability Taako whispered, “Can you stay?” He wanted to take it back as soon as he said it, hated that he had, but couldn’t bring himself to say anything more and after a long moment of held breath Magnus settled in behind him. Once again, they only slept. They didn’t quite fit comfortably in a twin bed together, much too close, Magnus jammed against the wall and Taako’s leg hanging off the mattress but it hadn’t mattered, Taako’s starting to think he could sleep on a bed of rocks if Magnus was there. They didn’t talk about it.

He’d wanted to, in the morning, had watched Magnus across the table at breakfast and tried to think of a single thing to say but in the end he kept his mouth shut. Kept whatever they were doing where it belonged, in the dark.

Rooming with Robbie is a whole other _thing_ , but at least he can hook Taako up with some _dank_ potions, even if whatever he’s brewing under their bunk-bed smells vaguely sulfurous.

So everything is weird in a way Taako has no idea how to deal with but it just takes time, he assumes, to get used to living on the fucking moon. Still, Taako wishes they’d just give him another job so he’d have somewhere to put this nervous energy thrumming in his veins, there are so many days where he just can’t stay _still,_ mania still better than the sadness that drags him down if he stops moving _._

He’s digging through Robbie’s stash one night while everyone else is out, on the hunt for anything that will make him feel something other than miserably restless, but most of these potions are unlabeled and he doesn’t fuck with that. Maybe he could go out, he thinks, snag one of the glass orbs and head to Neverwinter, find a dance floor and a nice boy to take his mind off things. He’s pondering the risk/reward of how much trouble he’d get in for stealing an orb versus how sad it is to get high on stolen potions alone in your dorm when Magnus comes back to the room, sweaty from training. His tank top is sticking to his chest a little damp with sweat, and Taako is equal parts disgusted and totally into it.

“Dude, have you seen the gym they have in this place?” Magnus grins, grabbing a towel and wiping his brow before tossing it on the ground; Taako makes a face and nudges it away with his bare foot. Living with men is disgusting, honestly.

“Magnus, baby, do I look like I’ve ever stepped foot in gym in my life?” He asks, mock-offended. “Muscles would ruin this whole silhouette.”

“Didn’t see you at training.”

“Hello? Wizard? Don’t need to lift heavy shit when you got Mage Hand.” He goes back to searching through the potions, finally finding something he can work with and lifting it up with a satisfied noise. “Hell yeah.”

“You ask Robbie first?”

“You gonna narc me out?” Taako raised his eyebrows, daring him to say anything as he uncorks the small blue bottle. “I’ll make it up to him with pringles later. Fucker loves his chips. Want some?”

Magnus eyes him warily. “What is it?”

“Just booze, but gets you there _real_ fast.”

“Maybe later. I’m gonna go shower.”

Taako shrugs and knocks the potion back in one go. It’s a little sickly sweet but it goes down warm, and he flops down onto one of the beds and lays there, waiting for the potion to hit him. In hindsight, probably should have decided if he was going anywhere or not, because once it hits he can’t do a damn thing but lay there for a second, head spinning. The whole bottle was too much. He never remembers how sad it is to drink alone until he’s doing it. He sighs and lays there, listening to the shower run. Magnus sings in the shower and it makes him smile despite himself, despite the dull sadness he can’t seem to shake. He’s no stranger to loneliness, but some days are harder than others. Days when he just craves closeness, craves touch and affection but wants to run from it all the same, wants to hide with all his neuroses and keep it all tucked away inside.

The shower shuts off and Magnus emerges, hair still wet but dressed in an old t shirt and sweatpants. He spots Taako lounging on his bed and laughs, shaking his head. “Having fun?”

“Grand ol’ time,” Taako says flatly, unable to move, actually hating how his head is spinning, how his mind is so fuzzy, shouldn’t have done this around Magnus, in hindsight. “Always a party with Taako.”

“You know that’s my bed, yeah?”

He hadn’t noticed. “Party for two, then. I’m real fucked up, Mango. Keep a guy company.”

Magnus laughs again, but comes to sit with him, making Taako have to sit up to make room. It’s weird to be the only sober one in a room, especially with just one other person. Should have gone out somewhere. But then he would have felt alone surrounded by people.

“Taako, why are you getting drunk by yourself?” Magnus asks quietly, unexpectedly. Taako has to laugh, sharp and bitter.

“You got all night to hear about my issues? Trust me, they get fucking boring after a while, I'm sick as shit of 'em.” He wishes there was more of the booze and wishes he hadn’t taken it in the first place all at once. “Better to be alone and drunk than alone and sober.”

“Is it?”

“Fuck if I know, neither are really working out for me.”

The way Magnus looks at him is… a lot. A mix of pity (which makes Taako’s mouth feel sour) and understanding. “You aren’t alone, though.”

Taako shrugs. “Sure I am. Always have been.”

“Taako, anyone here would be happy to be your friend, you know that right?”

How do you just do that, Taako has to wonder, must be so easy for Magnus. People like Magnus for nothing more than just himself, he collects friends everywhere he goes, Taako can’t do that. Can’t trust like that. Why would he, when it just gets you hurt? “It’s fine, like -- I’m used to it, you know? You don’t have to look at me like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like I’m. I dunno. Like how you’re looking at me right now,” he says, annoyed by nothing much at all, knowing it’s himself and not Magnus making him feel this way, so itchy and wrong in his skin, but not knowing how to do anything but take it out on whoever is unfortunate enough to be in his proximity. He doesn’t try to explain it, doesn’t think Magnus could understand even if he had the words to talk about all the ways he’s broken. He’s slumped down into the pillows and has to sit up again, shifts wrong and something catches in his ribs, he winces in pain. The punch from the ogres during the test had cracked them, and though the clerics here had fixed that up right away, the bruising still lingered.

“Whoa, hey,” Magnus hovers over him, brow furrowed in concern. “You okay?”

“I got punched so hard I almost _died,_ my dude.”

“Still that bad, huh? Can I take a look at it?”

He nearly argues, but decides not to bother, better to ease Magnus’s mind. He’s been worried ever since Taako was injured, constantly asking if he’s okay, offering advice for healing faster and giving him ointments to rub into the bruise, he acts like Taako’s never dealt with an injury before. Taako wants to be annoyed by it but he’s not, somehow. It’s… sweet. He doesn’t know what to do with sweet. He nods, sitting up the rest of the way, and letting Magnus tug the light, gauzy shirt out from where it’s tucked into his skirt, lifting the hem to reveal the mottled bruising covering Taako’s ribs.

“I know it looks gross, but it’s actually getting a lot better,” Magnus assures him. The bruises have faded from purple to a sickly yellow-green, mottled with blue here and there. “It’ll stop hurting within a week, I’m sure. Just keep putting that ointment on it.”

“Guess you’d know a lot about bruising,” Taako says. He doesn’t look at the bruise, doesn’t like to see it. He keeps his eyes on Magnus’s face instead. The uneven shave of his sideburns, and the scar across his eye. He’s never asked where Magnus got that, wonders if he should, wonders if he really cares. He thinks he does.

“I’ve taken my share of hits,” Magnus agrees.

“More than your share, I’d say. Saved my life twice now.”

Magnus’s hands are big enough that together they could nearly wrap around Taako’s waist. They seem like they’d be rough, but as Magnus brushes the tips of them over the bruise they’re gentle, just as accustomed to working with intricate detail as they are at holding a blade. It doesn’t quite hurt, when Magnus touches him, but Taako’s breath catches at the back of his throat. Magnus is very close, and he smells clean from the shower, musk and soap. “That wasn’t… It wasn’t a big deal. You needed help.”

“You gotta know how few people would, would actually do that,” Taako says. He’s surprised by the sound of his own voice, raspy and low and a little slurred. He thinks he can feel the potion pooled in the bottom of his gut, the warmth of it spreading. “It’s not… it’s not nothing. Mags. It’s _not_.”

“It's… just what I do.” Magnus says, looking into Taako’s face now, his eyes wide and earnest, always earnest. “I protect everyone else.”

“How you plan on doing that if you get yourself killed first?” He demands, doesn’t know why this matters so much to him, why he’s arguing _against_ someone taking a hit for him when that’s literally what Magnus is for, in this whole arrangement. But still, it does matter, matters so much in this moment that he grabs Magnus’s arm, squeezing it like that will drive his point home, he doesn’t want Magnus getting himself killed on their next job, doesn’t want to be left alone up here. Magnus’s fingers are still on his bruise and he probably doesn’t realize he’s pressing harder, high on Taako’s ribcage where his nerves are so sensitive -- just barely, still only just hurts, but it makes Taako suck in his breath between his teeth, locking eyes with Magnus. The potion makes every sense dulled but god, somehow that one point is so sharp, so clear, and Magnus’s eyes are dark, their rich blue blown away by his pupils when he looks back at Taako.

He isn’t surprised when Magnus kisses him but he still breathes in sharp through his nose, squeezes Magnus’s arm as he leans into the warm of him. And he would think Magnus would be forceful but he’s agonizingly soft, kissing slow and thorough, Taako could easily pull away but he doesn’t, it doesn’t even occur to him to try. For a moment it feels far more like a thousandth kiss than a first, and what an odd thought that is, he can’t put a finger on why he would think that way. He nips at Magnus’s bottom lip and slips his tongue along the spot where he bit, as Magnus’s fingers press into his ribs again to slide around to his back, all under his still-buttoned shirt, and this time it does hurt, Taako gasps again, mouth open under Magnus’s. He makes a pained noise when Magnus pulls himself back, not one part of them touching now, so sudden Taako’s feels like he has whiplash, his mind too slow right now to catch up with everything.

“Shit, shit,” Magnus groans, rubbing his face with his hand. “Shit. Sorry.”

Taako feels his cheeks burning, arousal giving away to humiliation that catches up to him all at once, still breathing too hard. “The fuck,” He says, hating how his voice shakes. He’s slept with Magnus in his bed a few times now and they had never even touched like this, only slept.

“I know,” Magnus says, sounding miserable. “I don’t know why I...”

He is usually the one in control of these things and right now he’s so not. He is uncomfortably aware of how they look right now, of what this has suddenly become and how horridly familiar it is. How _pathetic_ he must have appeared to Magnus, all lonely and damaged, pretty boy in a skirt lying drunk this man’s bed, letting his hand crawl up his shirt. How easy he must seem.

“Shouldn’t have what?” He says, voice sharp as a wire, angry at himself. “What did you think was happening here?”

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that, not when you’re drunk.” Magnus trails off, swallowing hard. “Should’ve asked.”

“You think you were gonna fuck me?” Taako sneers, and Magnus goes red at that and he laughs. “You want to, don’t you. You wanna fuck me sooo bad. Well, here I am, why don't you just _take_ me.”

“Stop it,” Magnus says quietly.

“Oh, my bad, bet you think you wanna _make_ _looove_ to me, and here I am so sad and _lonely_ and _needing_ someone, needing _you,_ big strong man, maybe you could _save_ me -”

“Will you stop?” Magnus snaps, his face bright-red now and looking truly hurt, he shifts yet further away from Taako, pressing back against the wall. “That’s not what I’m trying to -- why are you always like this?”

“What am I like?”

“Mean.” Magnus says, voice small, and he looks down at his lap and closes his eyes. Taako lets himself flop back down onto the bed, letting out a long breath. After a pause Magnus goes on. “Whatever I did to make you think I’m that kind of person, I -- I’m really sorry.”

Taako blinks at him, slowly, and gnaws on his bottom lip, the surge of angry fear draining away along with the potion he drank, leaving as fast as it had hit him. It leaves him with a headache, leaves him vaguely sick. Not at all worth it.

“Nothing,” he says after a long while that has Magnus squirming. “You didn’t do a damn thing.”

He wants to apologize, but he can’t bring himself to do it. To make himself that vulnerable when he’s already so exposed. He can still feel the scratch of Magnus’s sideburns on his cheeks, wants to feel it again.

“Figured you were straight,” Taako says after a while, at a loss for anything else to say. His usual solution to difficult situations is to pack up and move. He can’t run away from this.

Luckily it makes Magnus laugh, shaking his head, face still tinged pink. “Um. No, not really, I mean -- usually, yeah. But I just like people, I think.”

“Cool. I don’t like labels either.”

“I didn’t mean to take advantage of you,” Magnus says, reaching out and touching Taako’s hand. Magnus is so physical, more than Taako is used to, but part of him is drawn to that. Wants to curl up in the warmth from his hands and sleep in it, the idea is so strangely intimate for what they are. Like his feelings about Magnus are at odds with each other, a wary and fragile trust and at the same time a feeling of knowing him more deeply than he actually does. No one has ever said that to Taako before, as far as he remembers, never apologized for overstepping.

He sits up again, more carefully this time, and Magnus tries to pull his hand away but Taako grabs it. It dwarfs his own, calloused from hard work and battle. “Oh, hon,” he says, with a little laugh, leaning back in until he can feel Magnus’s breath on his face again. Magnus watches him, eyes flicking down to Taako’s lips and sending a little rush of heat up Taako’s spine, now that he’s in control. “As if you could ever make me do something I don’t want.”

He falls asleep in Magnus’s bed that night, still in his clothes. When Merle asks him what’s going on with them the next morning, he tells him it was nothing, an accident -- it’s not really a lie. He tries not to worry about Magnus hearing him say that.

* * *

**Cycle 20.**

A lifetime ago, on a world long forgotten, the crew of the Starblaster celebrates long into the night. This cycle has been blissfully easy, a habitable world with relatively welcoming people who trusted the I.P.R.E. to stay among them and keep the Light once they found it, as long as they had protection from other people who might come in search of it. They light falls on the other side of a mountain range and after a week’s expedition by Magnus, Merle, Barry, and Lup they manage to find it, bringing it back to the village where the Starblaster is safely docked. The night they return they’re greeted with food and drink and dance, gathered around a bonfire in the village square, all of which Magnus partakes in gladly after the week of crossing over mountains and sleeping on the ground. He chats with a friendly local girl he met, a halfling named Ana, while his friends mingle around him, Lup dancing circles around Barry, Merle telling Lucretia some kind of wild story about the expedition that absolutely did not happen that way, but Lucretia indulges him, pretends she’s recording the whole thing for posterity while hiding a grin. The alcohol these people drink is crazy strong, going to Magnus's head quickly even though he’s eaten plenty, but even it wasn't he wouldn’t have been able to stop glancing over at Taako.

Taako who sits apart from the rest, away from both the crew and the locals, far enough away from the fire to be secluded and close enough that the flickering light illuminates his face in an eerie glow, eyes dark as he doesn’t even try to hide that he's watching. He might be smiling, but it’s hard to say in this light. He’s so beautiful (always, but especially like this) it makes Magnus ache down to his fingertips.

And -- hard to know what to do with that, Magnus thinks, with Taako, he just knows the heat crawling up his neck isn't just from the fire. Taako isn't shy, is the thing, about things like flirting, like wanting, Taako is constantly wanting and never quite satisfied with what he gets. Especially, Magnus has noticed over the years, when it comes to people – never as easy to get along with as Lup, never as open or warm, but there’s tenderness there, under the surface, you have to dig for it but Magnus has seen it. He’s seen it during cycles when Lup dies or leaves the ship for a long time; he’s the one Taako comes to when he misses her, curling up next to him in his bunk.

“My cuddle buddy is dead, scoot over,” he’d ordered the first time it happened, unceremoniously crawling under Magnus’s blankets in the middle of the night, curled up in a tight ball at the edge of the bed. Magnus, half asleep, had been baffled, but eventually got Taako to relax, to let Magnus hold him until he could sleep. He gets nightmares, he’d explained in an odd moment of openness, panic attacks when he doesn’t know where Lup is, childhood trauma he’s never gotten over, but sleeping next to someone helps. Never further than sleeping, even though Magnus has more than once wondered what Taako would do if he asked to kiss him. Magnus does not, entirely, know what to make of the way Taako attaches himself to him like that, in a way he isn’t attached to anyone else but Lup, but the attention isn’t at all unwelcome.

He glances Taako’s way again and Taako just looks, raising his drink to his lips in a way that is somehow teasing, or maybe challenging. This time Magnus doesn’t shyly glance away but just smiles, giving Taako a little wave across the courtyard, and Taako almost looks startled by it, turning away like he’s lost interest. He’ll flirt shamelessly and Magnus never knows if he’s serious or not but if he plays into it Taako gets skittish, a bit like a cat who wants your attention up until the moment you actually pet it.

But, aside from how it makes him all nervous and giddy all at once to see Taako watching him and how he’s warm all over from how much he’s had to drink, it’s not right that there’s this party going on and Taako is over there, ignored. So he excuses himself from his conversation with Ana, grabs another bottle of this weird beer the halflings on this world make from tree roots, and makes his way across the courtyard to where Taako sits cross-legged on a log that’s been repurposed into a bench.

“Hey, man,” Magnus says, taking a seat.

“Sup.” Taako takes a sip from his cup and makes a face before setting aside, empty. His face is a little flushed, the tip of his nose pink and Magnus can’t really stop looking at it, and it’s adorable. _He’s_ adorable. “Having fun?” He asks.

“Yeah, the people here are really nice.”

“Why you over here, then? I’m not nice. Ask anyone here,” he waves his hands, indicating the entire halfling community hosting them. He’s the only one who hasn’t gotten along with them particularly well, he keeps complaining about how _cheery_ they are all the time and they don’t like his sarcastic attitude. “Little Ana over there wants to climb you like a tree, m’dude. I mean, she’d have to, given the height thing.” He snickers at his own joke.

“What?” Magnus asks blankly. If Ana has been flirting he hasn’t noticed. It’s been a long time since he had eyes for anyone but Taako.

“Never mind.” Taako shakes his head, a smirk playing at the edge of his lips.

“Well, I think you’re nice.” Taako hums in response. It’s colder over here without the heat of the fire and Taako has a sheer sort of wrap around his shoulders that’s probably doing nothing against the night’s chill. Magnus knows he wouldn’t ruin the aesthetic by putting on a coat, though. “You doing ok?” Magnus asks.

“I guess.” Taako blinks at him.

“You’re sitting alone instead of partying.”

“I’m partying. I’m drinking this shitty booze, ain’t I?” He takes another drink, almost emptying his cup, and makes a face.

“Just checking.”

Taako shrugs. “I’m fine. Really. Just wanted some quiet, I guess.”

“Oh.” Magnus looks down at his feet, embarrassed. It’s very easy for him to feel embarrassed around Taako, to be uncomfortably aware of himself and each move he makes, to suddenly feel too big and clumsy and too _human_ next to Taako’s elfin grace. “Sorry for interrupting you.”

“Nah, dog, you’re good.” Taako pats him on the shoulder, an odd crooked smile playing on his face, coming so easily when he’s that little bit drunk. Magnus smiles back, it’s so nice it is when Taako smiles, all gap toothed and sharp, he constantly wants to be the one to put it there. “Thanks for asking,” Taako says, quieter, honest, and Magnus relaxes further then. They’re not even that far away from the rest of the party but it’s quiet over here, like they exist in a bubble.

“Yeah,” Magnus says, and wishes he could think of like, anything else to say, but Taako is still smiling, so. “Seems like you got all dolled up for nothing, though, if you’re not gonna join everyone.”

“Oh, this old thing?” Taako preens, he’s wearing this thin little slip of a top, silky almost like fancy pajamas, and a skirt that Magnus has definitely seen Lup wear before, white and draping artfully over his crossed legs.

“You look beautiful,” he says honestly.

Taako looks at him, a little surprised, mostly pleased. “Well thanks, sugar,” Taako says, nudging Magnus’s leg with his foot and looking up at him from beneath his eyelashes. It makes Magnus’s heart flip and he feels silly, embarrassed all over again. No one makes him feel out of his depth more than Taako.

He’s been in love before, before the I.P.R.E. and the endless journey, a long time ago, and hard to recall now, but he doesn’t think it felt the same way as being in love with Taako, sharp and bright too and much to bear sometimes, like he can’t breathe around him. He doesn’t remember when it started, each cycle blends together for him, like he has always lived like this and always loved Taako. Sometimes he thinks Taako sees right through him, some of his teasing hitting just too accurately to be coincidence, his flirtatiousness dialed up just that little bit extra. And there’s other things, too –- how if he wakes up first he always has coffee set aside for Magnus in the mornings, made just the way he likes, how he’ll let Magnus ask any dumb question about his magic, how they’ve stayed up long into the night together just talking the way he thinks Taako rarely does with anyone but Lup, with that rare honestly that only happens in the early hours and you learn things about the other you’d never learn in the daylight. He’s never liked a dude before this -- never ruled it out either -- and almost didn’t recognize it as love for years. But Taako can be so flighty, and more anxiety-ridden than he lets on, Magnus never wants to try anything for fear of scaring him off. Taako is one of his best friends, he would do anything not to ruin that.

“Glad you’re back,” Taako mumbles, in elvish, almost too quiet to hear. Magnus raises his eyebrows.

“What was that?”

“Nothin’.”

“Nuh-uh! You missed us,” Magnus laughs, nudging him with his elbow, and Taako nudges him back, smiling despite himself, pretending he’s not.

Taako groans, hiding his face. “Fine, yes, I missed you nerds. This place is boring as shit without you. Happy?”

“Aww, dude. I missed you too. I mean. _We_ did.”

“Don’t tell anyone, they might think I have actual feelings.”

“It’s fine to have feelings. Feelings are great. I have lots of feelings.”

“Don’t I know it,” Taako murmurs.

Magnus puts an arm around his shoulder, pulling him in for what’s supposed to be a quick hug, and then it isn’t quick at all because Taako stays there, curled up against his side. It’s nice, if surprising, it’s not like they’re never physically affectionate but not usually so publically, Taako’s such a private person. But he scoots closer and relaxes there, Magnus’s arm around him, and Magnus wonders if Taako can feel his heart skipping beats. The air around them feels almost solid and breakable. Absentmindedly Magnus finds himself running his calloused hand up and down Taako’s bare arm, feather-light touches. His breath hitches when Taako curls in closer, head sort of pillowed on Magnus’s chest and shoulder, and makes a small contented noise, not quite a moan or a whimper but something else and in between the two, it makes Magnus shiver. He can smell Taako’s hair, this close, like orange blossoms and spices.

“Mags?” Taako mumbles.

“Hm?”

“You thinkin’ about kissing me?”

It makes Magnus choke, the suddenness of it, the drinks they’ve had making them that little bit more daring. He swallows, getting his bearings, and Taako stays snuggled close.

“Um. Pretty much all the time,” Magnus says, laughing at himself, feeling a blush spread across his cheeks. “Am I that obvious?”

“You are.”

“I’m sorry,” he mumbles, and feels Taako shake his head.

“You can, y’know.” Taako says, barely above a whisper. “If you want.”

“...Do you want me to?”

“Mm. Think so.”

A shaky breath escapes Magnus’s lungs, and he squeezes Taako tighter. “You’re drunk,” he says, like that’s new information.

“So are you. Cancels each other out.” Taako sits up, looking into Magnus’s eyes, gaze dark but playful.

“That’s. Um. Not how it works,” he says, and you’d think drinking would give him a little courage but he’s still so anxious.

Taako pouts at him, but he doesn’t push it, doesn’t _do_ anything, he just waits. After a while his gaze drops and he mumbles, “If you don’t want -”

“Hey, no, no,” Magnus says, laying his hand over Taako’s, and Taako blinks up at him, tipsy and bleary-eyed. He could, he could just lean in now and Taako’s lips would be so soft and he _wants,_ just how close they are filling him with heat. He’s dreamed of this a hundred times and it would be so easy right now. But he’s drunk, and Taako’s drunk, and he can’t help but think of the rare few times they’ve come so close to this, the inches of space between them charged like electricity, and how sober-Taako always ducks away at the last minute, grows colder and distant. It’s not right. Not like this, no matter how much he wants to just walk home to the Starblaster hand-in-hand with Taako, to lay together in the dark and talk and kiss until the sun rises.

“Thought you liked me,” Taako says, so quiet.

“I do like you, I like you so much, it’s just…”

 _But I have no idea if you actually like me_ _as much as I like you_.

He doesn’t have the presence of mind to have this talk now -- just enough to recognize that about himself. Taako waits for him to speak again. Taako, always so impatient but never when it comes to the two of them and his heart feels full to bursting.

“If you still want this -- me -- tomorrow, when we’re not drunk,” he says, stroking Taako’s hand with the pad of his thumb. His skin is velvet-soft and his hands are so tiny under Magnus’s. “I’ll kiss you then. Is that okay?”

Taako hums, kicking his feet against the log. “I know I’ll want to. Always want you. Just.” He shrugs one shoulder. “It’s _me_. Y’know.”

“I know,” Magnus says, or thinks he knows. “Tomorrow.”

Finally he nods. “Okay. God, who knew you were a prude,” Taako says, but he’s grinning still, so Magnus just laughs and pulls Taako back in, pressing a chaste kiss to his forehead before they settle back together. After a while Taako starts snoring, though he’ll deny it vehemently later.  And if Lup teases them relentlessly later, well, it’s worth it.

It doesn’t come in the morning, or even the next day -- for a while, Taako is more distant than ever, embarrassed by his openness, nervous about how much they both feel; later, much later, he’ll explain all that to Magnus. It occurs to Magnus that this should be heartbreaking but it really just cements in his mind that he was right, that it would have been a mistake to kiss Taako that night. Magnus has waited for Taako to be ready for years, and it’s worth it, Taako is worth everything.

When Taako finally kisses him, late one night on the deck of the Starblaster as it soars high over yet another doomed world, the bond engine revs up hot and fast enough to send the ship off course. It earns them a stern lecture from Davenport, and Taako collapses against Magnus laughing so hard he nearly cries, and Magnus can feel the bonds like strings tying them together and kissing Taako feels like swallowing the entire sun.  

On another world that will become home, a lifetime later, Magnus will watch Lucretia feed his life, his _mission_ to Fisher, and he will cling to the memory of Taako’s laughter in his ears that night. To Taako in his arms and that kiss and all the laughter and kisses that came after. He will remember the sound, like bells, like every musical instrument, long after he forgets Taako’s face, but it too falls apart into static and dust.

* * *

**Cycle 99.**

A lifetime later, after losing Raven’s Roost and Julia and his whole world crumbling around him, Magnus Burnsides sits in a bar in Neverwinter and watches an anxious, flighty elf in a patched and ragged wizard’s hat try and fail to cast a spell, swearing loudly as he accidentally turns the entire table into raw beef. Magnus doesn’t know him. Somehow, when it comes down to it, he trusts him all the same.


End file.
